A Silent Fault
by Squillyfer
Summary: How much do you have to want something before you can be blamed for it happening? Brennan muses over the way guilt works and reveals the real version of events the night Epps died


Ok so if I'm honest I'm not entirely happy with this but the idea wouldnt leave me alone. Two things bugged me about The episode The Man in The Cell, firstly why when visiting Caroline Epps apartment did Brennan try the light switch, it was broad daylight? Secondly, did she really stretch her arm as far as she could... What do you think, all comments welcome : )

Disclaimer: I dont own Bones

* * *

**A silent fault**

_'I want you to know that everything that happens from here on in is your fault.'_

We don't talk about the day Howard Epps died, it raises too many questions, causes too many doubts, revives too much anguish. They say guilt manifests itself in many various guises but in my case it emerged as a stony wall of silence, hidden forever never to be shared with another human being…never to be shared with him. Experience has taught me that most secrets are best left hidden, best left untold and mine is a secret of the worst kind. I let my best friend take the blame for a problem entirely of my own making. I let him believe a man had died at his hands when in truth Epps was right in every sense of the word. Everything that happened that night was all my fault.

I've been over it a million times in my mind and in some ways my first decision still seems like the worst, the decision not to call for back-up, not to call for Booth the minute I figured out where Epps would be. It came to me in the corridor, an FBI agent stood on either side of me and still I said nothing. I saw my neighbours door and suddenly it all made sense, the plaster dust, the renovations, it just…clicked. I knew I should say something, knew I should turn to my left and tell them everything I knew or at the very least speed dial Booth but I didn't. I thought of Booth at the hospital nursing Cam and of the agents beside me who, in all honesty, knew little of this case and knew nothing of what the past two days had been like for me, for us. I wanted to face Epps alone, after all this whole thing was about me, wasn't it? So I said nothing. Mistake Number One

My second mistake, shameful as it is, was to underestimate Booth. Nowhere in my hastily constructed plan had I accounted for Booth turning up at me apartment, infact quiet the opposite. I remember distinctly the feeling I had, tucked behind the bathroom door, gun in hand, my hair sticking to my face from the steam the shower was generating. I can still recall the sudden rush of realisation that I was about to face a serial killer alone, a man who had a flair for disposing of young women and a vendetta against me, and I thought of Booth. It was brief but I did think of him, of what he'd think of my actions. Then before I knew it I was in the main room face to face with Howard Epps, gun extended, every sense I possessed heightened. Then I heard the ever familiar click of Booths safety catch and saw him enter the room, his eyes firmly fixed on Epps.

'Dead end'

I let my eyes slide past Epps and focus on him for a few short seconds.

'You wont let me shoot him will you.'

For a moment I wondered where that had come from, did I really want to shoot Epps? Then rationality kicked in and I failed to find any other reason for me to be here facing him alone with a gun in my hand. What I hadn't banked on was Booth being there to stop me. Mistake Number Two.

'You knew he was going to be here didn't you.'

It was a statement. He wasn't accusing me of anything, wasn't questioning why I hadn't called him so I answered in the same manner, with a statement.

'It was the only scenario that made sense.'

Epps twitched nervously and I wondered how exactly he thought he was going to travel the twelve feet between us and swing his crowbar before I executed my trigger finger. He seemed to realise this too and went for plan B with a brief glance towards the balcony.

'Oh, you heading for the balcony Howie? Hope you can fly cos' that's about a fifty foot drop.'

He looked to me for conformation and I nodded, my usually quick mind suddenly struggling to keep up with events, unable to envisage the outcome of the night.

'How did you know?'

I realised Epps was addressing me directly and I forced my increasingly foggy mind to concentrate on the facts.

'Plaster dust in the poison.'

'Renovations to the apartment next door'

'You're not all that smart…turns out.'

Epps leered at me, his eyes narrowing, his lips curling into a grin that sickened me

'One minute, all I want is one minute alone with you.'

'Fine with me.'

And it really was fine, a lot could happen in one minute and like I said I had a pretty good feeling that I could pull the trigger quicker than Epps could walk. I wanted my chance with him, my chance to prove once and for all that he was the worthless one, my chance to make him feel as helpless as I knew he had made his victims feel. I thought I could beat him, win this round of his sick little game, I thought I knew exactly how to handle the situation. But in all honesty I had no idea where this was going, my own ignorance and misplaced confidence was mistake number three.

'Don't provoke the lunatic alright….'

Booth apparently didn't agree with me anyway. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, serious as the situation is.

'…You got nowhere to go.'

'I'm not going back to jail.'

I wondered for a moment if it was too late for that, if jail was too good for the pathetic excuse for a human being in front of me.

'Well you see that's really not your decision Howie, put your hands up…'

Booths eyes flickered towards me for a moment.

'…Drop the crowbar.'

Then it all happens so fast. Epps spins, smashing the lamp and leaving the room lit only by the moonlight seeping in through the balcony doors Epps rushed out of. Booth rushed forward.

'Line of fire Bones.'

That was my warning. Don't shoot. I dropped the gun and rushed out to the balcony. Whether or not dropping the gun was mistake number four or not I suppose is irrelevant but in the events that followed I sometimes think a gun could have been useful.

'You're not getting away Howard.'

I emerged onto the balcony seconds too late to see Booth grab Epps as he attempted to leap from the balcony. Epps' expression was shockingly calm despite the fact that Booths hands were the only things between life and a hasty exit from this life on the concrete floor below.

'Look who the killer is now Agent Booth.'

I couldn't help but feel confused, what had Booth done wrong? He was trying to save Epps which was more than I was doing as I stood simply staring at the pair.

'A little help here Bones, I got nothing but dead weight here.'

And that's when it hits me, it suddenly hits me how easy it would be not to help, how easy it would be for us both to just let Howard die, to force him to pay for what he's done. I did the one thing I never do, I made a judgement based on instinct and emotions alone, driven by anger and resentment and the need to set things right in the world. I stretched feebly through the railings, consciously withholding the extra half an inch needed to be of any help at all.

'I'm sorry, I…cant reach.'

And there, right there as I analyse it, that was mistake number five, my biggest mistake, the lie that may or may not have lead to the death of a fellow human being.

'Grab the railing.'

I didn't know what to do, my head told me to move, to help, but as Epps ignored Booths demand I found myself unable move, my feet rooted to the spot, my mind somewhere else. I wanted to see how this played out without having any personal effect on the outcome, unfortunately for everyone involved it was already too late for that.

'You're gonna drop me anyway, lets just get it over with.'

'You son of a btch.'

I shared Booths sentiments and knew I could never hate anyone as much as I hated Epps at that moment in time.

'You think you don't want me dead?'

An odd look crossed Booths features and I suddenly felt like an intruder in someone else's nightmare.

'I'm not you.'

'Oh really, you're not thinking of a world with me still in it, going after Dr Brennan, your son?'

I don't know what Booth was thinking but that's exactly what was going through my mind.

'I'm not you.'

Then it happened, Epps slipped and just like that it was over. I finally found my feet seconds too late as Both myself and Booth lunged forward to catch a man neither of us were sure we really wanted to save.

* * *

'Unit on the ground saw what happened, so did the sniper across the street, you tried to save him.' 

'Yep.'

The agent before us spoke calmly and reassuringly but Booths monotone voice unnerved me as I fiddled with my hands from my position at the dining table.

'No one could have helped him.'

'Yep.'

The agent sighed as if in defeat.

'You can take off now Booth, department might wanna assign you a shrink, you know on the job death like that.'

I wondered briefly if anyone thought I needed a shrink, if my bosses were currently scrambling around thinking of ways in which to accommodate me, to comfort me for the death on my job. I decided they probably weren't. Now alone I felt the urge to console Booth and turned to him.

'You didn't have your full strength, your wrist was hurt from pulling Zach away from the explosion.'

I knew perfectly well that wasn't the truth but I wanted to be, for him, for us.

'My wrist wasn't hurt Bones.'

I sighed, silently begging for him to take the get-out I was offering. I turned away from him, the need for hard liquor and a long sleep itching overwhelmingly beneath my skin. I stared at the smooth grain of the table and vocalised the one thought that had been with me since the evening had started.

'I wish you'd have let me shoot him.'

His reply was simple.

'No you don't Bones.'

And with that he left the apartment, never to hear my reply.

'Yes I do.'

* * *

So there you go, that's the simple truth of it. In the following weeks after Epps death I often thought of telling Booth my version of events but never did, the same force that had rooted me to the spot on the balcony and prevented me pushing my arm further through the railings forced my lips firmly together each time I tried to tell him, until eventually I knew I could never tell him, it was too late, the time had passed and neither of us wanted to relive it. So I said nothing. I stood back and watched as my best friend went through counselling and his own personal torture over a death he wasn't responsible for, over a murder he didn't commit because the truth is its my fault he died, it was me that didn't help, me that didn't call for back-up so now its my fault Booth thinks he has to live with that, my fault the families of Epps' victims will never see the justice they deserve. I know what you're thinking, that I got off lightly but I didn't, I paid for my mistakes that night, with Booth the unwitting enforcer of my punishment. The day after Epps died I met him in the park and he told me of his break-up with Cam, the introduction of 'the line' and how people who work together cant be together. That's how I paid. Cams hospitalisation followed by Epps death shook Booth to the core and he responded in the most natural way possible, by closing off all scenario's in which it could happen again. So there you have it, the line was my punishment and maybe not forever but for now at least I have to pay my debt in silence, in silence and alone, without Booth, without the untainted partnership we once shared and with the unwanted bond of knowing the truth about that night. I see it sometimes when we're out looking for a suspect or working late in the office, I see him glancing at me and I wonder if he knows, wonder if he knows that it should be me carrying the burden he's gallantly shouldered and not him but I know he'll never say anything. To say anything would be to almost accuse me of the intent to kill and he'd never do that, I'll never do that and so I let him take that guilt, comfortable as I am with my own form of payment, my own silent retribution as day by day I try to ignore the fact that Howard was right and that the events of that night really were my fault, even if no one else knows it. 


End file.
